Give honor where honor is due...

I found this on the internet today and I thought it was amusing:

Wis. man gets top prize for bad prose
By MARCUS WOHLSEN, Associated Press

A Wisconsin man whose blend of awkward syntax, imminent disaster and bathroom humor offends both good taste and the English language won an annual contest Monday that salutes bad writing.

Jim Gleeson, 47, of Madison, Wis., beat out thousands of other prose manglers in San Jose State University's 2007 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this convoluted opening sentence to a nonexistent novel:

"Gerald began — but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them 'permanently' meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash — to pee," Gleeson wrote.

Scott Rice, an English professor at San Jose State, called Gleeson's entry a "syntactic atrocity" that displays "a peculiar set of standards or values." Rice has organized the contest since founding it in 1982.

Gleeson, who works at a Madison hospital setting up computer networks, said he submitted about 20 entries, and gave a little insight into what it takes to win the bad writing title and its $250 prize.

"It's like you take two thoughts that are not anything like each other and you cram them together by any means necessary," Gleeson said. He claimed he took time off from his current project, a self-help book for slackers entitled "Self-Improvement Through Total Inactivity," to pen his winning entry.

Gleeson credited his time in college with preparing him well. "There's a certain degree to which academia prepares you to write badly," Gleeson said wryly.

The contest takes its name from Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" famously begins "It was a dark and stormy night."

Entrants are asked to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Citations are handed out for several categories, including "dishonorable mention" awards for "purple prose" and "vile puns."


I don't think I could have written a worse sentence if I tried.

In Him,
Donna

A Funny for You

11 people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

What happens in Vegas…

After nine long years, I finally took a well-deserved vacation. I packed up my family and headed to Las Vegas. We were so excited just getting away and enjoyed being away from the daily grind.

Our trip started out rocky. The flight was delayed by weather (the day we leave, there’s finally rain in Chicago?). I have to give big props to the folks at Southwest. They were very kind even though they were getting a lot of grief for stuff that was completely out of their control. (Here’s a tip for parents of young children: bring along a portable DVD player and kids DVD’s. There were several understandably cranky kids and frazzled parents at the airport. I whipped out our DVD player and asked if they wanted to watch one my son’s DVD’s. I picked one out and they all gathered around and watched quietly and patiently until it was time to board. It also kept my son busy on the flight until he finally fell asleep. We will never travel without those items again!)

After landing, we were immediately assaulted by rows and rows of slot machines at the airport. I knew I was in Vegas! It was a blast seeing my sisters-in-law, and walking around in the desert heat.

We mostly decided to just relax and unwind. It was the best thing we have ever done. We watched TV, rested, explored the hotel and I managed to get some reading done (Writer’s Digest and Bettye Griffin’s novel, A Love For All Seasons). I know that’s not the Vegas thing to do, but it’s what worked for us.

We explored the hotel, which has a movie theater, bowling alley and arcade. After a swim and a long nap, we went out with my sister-in-law and got a tour of Las Vegas. We drove down the strip. It was fascinating to see the hotels that I’d only seen on television or in the movies. There’s the “new” Las Vegas – the Wynn, Rio, New York New York – and the “old” Las Vegas – Caesar’s Palace, The Frontier.

As we continued our drive, we went to the “real” Las Vegas, a.k.a the ghetto. The houses were like little shanty towns. The only grass growing was in the lovely little playground parks. We stopped in a shop and they carried all kinds of pipes – “for use with tobacco and other legal herbs.” Except everyone who looks at them knows they’re used for crack and weed. And yet it’s perfectly legal to be sold in the black community. In the “other” Las Vegas, the one that we as tourists visit, the only drugs of choice are alcohol, cigarettes and gambling.

Who needs crack when you’ve got 24 hour slots?

Our day ended with both our boys spending the night with their aunts. After dinner, we ventured down to the casino. I stopped at the roulette table to test my luck. My friend Michelle told me to bet on black; my boss said to bet on red. I checked with my husband – bet on black. I did and I won!

I played a couple of rounds and decided to cash out. I took my winnings to the cashier, who smiled and asked if I needed security to escort me to my room with all my new cash – all $4.00 of it.

The rest of our visit consisted of spending time with the family. I met my husband’s cousin, a bit of a world traveler. He’s a true gentleman and had some very interesting stories. He actually inspired some thoughts for future novel and/or character(s).

And that was really the point of my trip!

In Him,
Donna